Let me preface this please. Some things you just gotta get out. Healing is the process to happiness. I will NEVER forget my daughter & she is STILL a very big part of our family. One day last year, Bennie asked me what was I going to do with Sonie's tub of clothing, toys & effects. I barked loudly to him damn near cutting him off. "I ain't doin' nothin' with her stuff! It's going to stay in there!!" I guess my tone made him understand that I wasn't ready. Everyone is different. We all process grief differently. I believe some things should be shared. I'm telling this to get it out and continue my healing>happiness growth. I am in no way sad or distraught. This has been my life for the last 10 years and I deserved to live on, to have a life to care for my other 4 children and husband. What my hope is, is that my story can help others. A young mother, a relationship/friendship. We are not promised tomorrow and should cherish our relationships. I am sharing this to pique your awareness about SIDS. I wrote this essay for English and I hope it's as vivid to you as it is to me.
Born To Die
“Sakinah, come look at this,” my husband said to me in a serious yet concerned tone. As I opened my eyes, I saw the time on my alarm clock read 6:07. “Oh shit! I said aloud, “ I overslept for work!” At the time, we had been having trouble with mice due to the unsavory OSHA standards kept by our landlord. I jumped out of bed to see my husband’s “latest catch.” As I stepped into the living room, he brought my attention to our daughter, Sonie Jane. He says, “Look, I just woke up and found her like this!?” I peered down to her and I immediately assessed that she was not breathing. The side of her face was a fuchsia color. I picker her up and she felt hollow. I sprang into action; I did not panic. “Bennie! Give her CPR!” I ran to the phone and dialed 9-1-1. The operator picked up, “My daughter is not breathing, she is 3months old, and I live at 445 Arkansas St!” CLICK! I hung up the phone, crying hysterically.
I dialed my sister Waseme, a nursing student who, lived around the corner. I screamed to my sister what was happening as best as I could and hung up on her. I then called my mother crying and screaming. I hung up with her and watched my husband perform CPR. It was then that my sister burst in the front door and I watched both of them try to give CPR to my baby. Inquisitive as I am, I could tell that for some reason, those 2, who were highly trained to perform CPR, were having trouble. Not two minutes later I could hear the fire truck and the ambulance arriving. In the chaos, my 2 older daughters and son came into the living room and they were confused and crying. My neighbor yelled to me, “Sakinah! What is wrong?” She knew that it had to be very serious. I don’t recall what I told her but I do remember her telling me to give her the kids.
The EMT’S had Sonie connected to a machine and they were working on her frantically yet methodically. As my sister and I watched from the balcony of my upstairs apartment, all I recall was cringing watching the machine as it would show a heart rate and then it would go flat. It did this over and over and over again. My mother arrived in tears and my sister said, “Come on, Boop! Let’s go meet them at the hospital!” I was reluctant to leave Bennie but my sister assured me that Derrick, her husband, would bring him. My sister drove expeditiously down Broadway St. to Kaiser-Vallejo. We hopped out of the car and I stood there, pacing, anxiously anticipating the arrival of the ambulance. As the moments passed by, I began to rationalize. I looked at my sister with despair. “Where is the ambulance?" I said to her. I continued, "The ambulance ain’t comin’ cuz….If they not comin’ it’s cuz…If they not comin’ it’s cuz the coroner is just going to come out! Waseme!” I yelled to her. She held me to calm me down and then we saw her husband, Derrick driving up with Bennie. At that moment, I felt a sliver of hope but found it eerily weird that the ambulance wasn’t close behind. They pulled up to us; my husband hopped out and said, “Honey..........Sonie passed!” I yelled in horror, crying inconsolably in my husband’s arms. Sonie was pronounced dead at 6:38am.
As we drove back to our apartment, the ambulance was still there. An EMT approached me and told me that she, Sonie, was inside the ambulance and that I could take as much time as I needed. I climbed into the ambulance sobbing. I picked Sonie up to hold her for what would be my last time, I began to reflect on my observations. The fuchsia color on the side of her face was where the blood had settled. She felt hollow because her spirit was already gone from her body. As numb as my body felt when I sat there holding my baby she just looked like she was sleeping. I glanced down and noticed the rigor mortis in her tiny little foot and its disposition was unnatural. It was a very quiet fall day, September 28, 1999. It still felt like summer that morning except it wasn’t hot but rather warm and calm. I sat there, on the side street of our apartment building, in the rear of the ambulance holding onto my daughter’s shell. Bennie’s mother arrived to see her granddaughter. In any other circumstance one would be conscious of ones time but in that situation I was completely selfish and sat there, mind racing, emotions overflowing holding onto my daughter, our daughter.
The rest of the day was somber. My sister was out running errands for the planning of Sonie’s funeral when she called me and asked me if I wanted to come down to the casket place. I was eager to oblige because at the time, what I hadn’t shared with anyone was that I had a vision the night before Sonie passed of her in a white casket with gold hardware. I immediately shrugged it off as an insane daydream. I never told anyone for months because I didn’t think anyone would believe me nor, did I want anyone to think I was crazy. So, when I walked into the casket place and they ushered us to the children’s caskets and there it was, a glossy white casket with shiny gold hardware! A chaplain came out and spoke with our family about the tragedy and provided comfort, resources and support. A detective confiscated some of my daughter’s personal effects for their routine investigation of my daughter’s death.
My daughter’s death was ruled SIDS. The worst part about a death like this is that it doesn’t provide a definitive closure. It wasn’t as if she had a terminal disease and died of complications. The way it is explained is, the child forgets to breathe. Sonie was the only child that my husband and I planned. I even did research on the Internet to find a sure way to have a girl. I went through many emotions with God. I was very angry with God. I recall saying over and over, “Why me God? Why me? Why my daughter? Why?” After many spiritual interventions, it was then that I realized why not me? I found solace and humility in knowing and believing that God chose Sonie for His purpose, not my purpose. She is the child we had, but never had and yet will have forever. It was this heart-wrenching experience in my life that taught me that we are ALL here on loan. We are literally, born to die.
