Guilty Pleasure

I was invited to a co-ed Pleasure Party on Sat & decided to go. I asked Bennie if he'd like to go & to my surprise...He said ok! Maybe cuz his other guy friend wanted to go to!? Anyhoo... Typically, Bennie and I are color coordinated wherever we go! Took him a looooong time to even start going along with that but i think it was cause I said it signified unity? Go figure! I usually start with his outfit this way it'll be easier for me to dig out those same colors from my closet. So, Bennie is a man's man..He has this athletic, model build. He has no stomach (I guess not all alcoholics are affected...LOL!) and I'm trying to bring him along to the new 'look' He ain't havin' it...He says, that's (insert expletive here)!!! However, I have been able to introduce some of the 'look' into his wardrobe just not too much..Buster! How you gon' have a stylist as a wife & you don't listen to her! His friends that know what's up be like, "You stuuuupid, dude!" So, Saturday I figure, i'll have him wear some dark wash denims & a white, crisp, fitted, v-neck t-shirt! Nooooooooope! Not havin' it! I've been trying to tell him that he just need to trust me BUT-I appreciate his curtness because, that is rule #3 of "Perfecting Your Style" 3) If you ain't confident in it, then you can't get in it! Ya dig?!?! I ask him will he wear it, nooooope! Okay, moving on! My girlfriend, Bennie & his friend go to the party & they're so happy that I ain't a drinker (not like that anyways) cuz I would be our designated driver for the night! We brought a big tupperware container full of Paula Deen's "Sweet Chicken Bacon Wraps" (recipe can be found on food network), a bottle of Pinot and a bottle of Killa Tequila! We get there & there are like about 20 or so women, and ummmmm, yeah-2 guys! Bennie & his friend! I'm sure that just made them sooooooo warm & fuzzy on the inside! They all of a sudden grew into these Super Gentlemen! Now, his friend that's expected but, Bennie, ummmm nope! He ain't got that gene. So, we minglin' and eatin' and just having a good time. As time passes, people are getting lit-especially the people I brought, LOL!!! If you don't know Bennie & I, then you may not appreciate that we have a 'unique relationship.' Sometimes we make people nervous but, who cares? We are who we are...I am not INSECURE when it comes to my husband. I know that Bennie is gonna talk to the women, flirt wit the women & he may even grope a woman BUT he's gonna always bring his check home to me! LOL!!! Gold diggin' bi#*$! Now, I did tell him to stop grabbing booty's because one day he may squeeze the wrong girls butt & she yell Kobe Denver Bryant!! LOL!!! So, he usually starts in & basically, we figure out which girl is his type cause that's who's he's gonna flirt with the most, while I continually apologize for my husband's indiscretions cuz he's retarded!!! Usually, the women are offended that he is doing this in front of his wife but, then they see this smile on my face mixed with a shameful shake of the head as if to insinuate, "I cain't take him nowhere!" LOL!!!!!! So, as the evening moves forward, he's been bartendin' all them women drinks while he sneakin' a shot unda da bar o' somethin!! He's tipsy...Oh boy! He again, starts flirting wit everybody, I'm sooo sorry yal....LOL!! Everytime we go somewhere where there may be alcohol I usually provide a disclosure up front, "I'd just like to apologize in advance if my husband does anything inappropriate to you." Now, of course he ain't gon' really touch a woman (well other than the butt feel, ;) ) but, i think it's his way of escaping being a married old man!! Poor thing... So, I play along...Poor baby! LOL!! What was sooooo damn funny to me was that this was a party full of women, but black women @ that! In case yal don't know, Bennie don't like black girls!!? LOL!! You may be wondering how in the heyell did she marry him them? Well, I told Bennie that I was white...aaaaaand, he bought it!!! LOL!! Nah, I just think cuz he got me knocked up he figured he may as well marry me then?! Ya know, tryna do the right thing! LOL!! I told yal we ain't start goin' together until we got married! Bennie was NEVER my boyfriend. He went from best friend, to baby daddy to husband! LOL!!! Anyway, back to the party...There was only this one girl (light skinned, long hair) that I'm sure he liked....I just told her, "I am soo sorry but, you're my husband's type, so let me apologize to you again!" LOL!!! Meanwhile, I'm tryin' to buy me a product called Head Game cuz ya know I love head games!!! But, the chic ain't really have enough of e'rything! So, basically I'd have to order it! The party is winding down & we genuinely had a greaaaaaaaaat time!

I Love the Kids!

Okay, having a whole bunch of kids is my fault! I mean, it's my mama's fault for givin' me these good juices I got & my grandmama's fault for making me fertile! So, at the end of the day, if i wuda just kept my legs closed...I wudn't be in dis pre-dic-a-ment! I know yal heard me say this before but, "I don't like kids!!!" Unfortunately for me, kids seem to always like me...No matter how mean I try to be with them! My kids are no exception!! Not to mention, I am an easy target cuz their Daddy, my husband acts like he's a Mute!!! Let me tell you what they don' put me through in the past week! Let's do this in birth order! If you've been following dis blog, den you know I'm always gettin' rid of that oldest one! Now, she asked to come back home for the .....See, i don't even know which time this is i think like the 14th time or so...Anyhoo...She was to stay here over the summer & then she was off to the Air Force, right?!? Wrong! She got home, got comfortable, got some food, got a bed, had total access to an automobile & now we cain't shake that ass! So, I cudn't take it..I sat her down a month or so ago & I told her she has until Sep 1, 2009 to get da futch out! Yesterday she wanted to have another 'come to Jesus' talk with me! "Mom, I don't wanna leave!?" Me: "Aaaaaaaaaw hell nah! U gots to go!" Her: "No Mom, cuz i need to stay home because then i can make it..I think i know what i want to do wit my life & blah blah blah blah blah!" I'm thinkin' to myself, there's only a small percentage of people who actually know what it is they want to do after high school so, i'm givin' her the blow fish mouf cuz I'm thinkin' buuuuuuuuuuulllllshit! I basically tell her that she needs to talk to Mommy & Daddy and then we can see...I thought i was done wit at least one?! WTF!? Hated it! Uuuuuuuuugh! How can you evict someone that you gave birth to & love wit'out hurting their feelings...She's been such a pain in my ass but, I've always told my kids that they could stay home until they're married if they want to! Anyway, all of that is to be expected from her...Let's move on to da wunderfur middle child Ebony...Ebony's friend did her hair the other day & i asked Ebony to do my hair the next day...She did...My weave is un-be-weave-a-ble!! However(comma), apparently she dyed her hair & has seemed to have an allergic reaction...She got a few bumps on her forehead and a patchy one that look somethin' like a ring worm..Then she shows me 3 strands of hair that are missing in the front & wants me to 'touch' her scalp on da inside so i can feel the bumpy puss stuff in her head! Illlllllll! Yal know i got OCD..Cain't take it! I'm tellin' her, Ebony it looks like you've had an allergic reaction...she's like, "Mom, no feel it!! Feel it! And it hurts!" Buuuuuuuuulllllllllllshit! Next thing I know she's on the phone wit the advice nurse...Chile why did they make them phone #'s published. Any old dummie can look up the number and call! LOL!!! She comes back with the phone in her hand talkin' about, "here....here" The advice nurse about to call CPS on me cuz i'm like, ain't nothin' wrong with her..She's like, "Are her lips swollen?" I'm like, hell nah! Ebony don' told the lady that her lymph nodes are swollen but, because these kids text-talk she ain't annuciatin' the lady thought she said her LIPS were swollen! Doofus! She lifts up her weave to show me that her lymph nodes are in fact inflamed...Here's the secret folks...Ebony's lymph nodes holds her junk there for a while, it is not abnormal for her lymph nodes to be swollen..When she was a li'l girl she walked around lookin' like Frankenstein cuz her lymph nodes was on Fiya!!! LOL!!! So, needless to say, this hypochondriac was told to take some damn Benadryl! Duh! I toldjal i ain't got no degree but, i know a li'l bit about a li'l bit! How u gon' be abusin' drugs & you ain't even famous yet, Anna Nicole!? LOL!! My son, Bennie... Ahhhhhh yes! My 1 and only son (well Ebony is our other son but, she's biologically a female)....This boy is in the beginning stages of puberty! Oh Laaaaaaaaaawd!!! So, he bouncin' around at da compuuuuuuuuuterrrrrrrr doin' "the Jerk" e'ry 5 min...He on there makin' videos & postin' himself on Tha YouTube! OoooooooMG! This faux-hawk wearin', skinny jeans wearin', pullin' the front of his shirt over his head to expose his chest (that doesn't even exist), runnin' holes in my carpet, beautiful child of God is gonna make me give him the people's elbow! How you 11 and u think u need to tap into your swagger?!? Ummmm?????? Did i mention he's been counting down the days til his birthday!? Yesterday, 2 more days Mom! Today, 1 more day Mom!!? So!!! I don't give a futch! Ain't nobody buyin me nothin'!!!!! Then, there's baby girl, Leilani...Yal know this little girl makes me nervous! Yal know i come in my room and hide under my bed when they leave me home alone with her...She is certifiable! SERIOUSLY!!!!! Her tagalog has gotten much better so, i don't have as much trouble understanding her (well, only over the phone, now)...This li'l girl jus wanna get in where she fit in...I can be in the bathroom & she'll bust in like she on COPS or something! I play hide and go seek with her & if i'm it i just don't go look for her! LOL!!! She is so competitive she doesn't come out of hiding until she hungry which is about e'ry 5min..LOL!!! This is what plays in the background e'ryday..Think of Li'l Dez in the MVPuppets commercials during the NBA playoffs...Mom can i have a banana? Mom, can i have an apple? Mom can i have some grapes? Umm Mom, what's for lunch? Can i have a snack for lunch? Do u have to ask if you want some yogurt, Mom!? Ooouu Mom, what you eatin' can i have one of those square, yellow bananas (a banana now&later....LOL) Uuuuuugh! This is her latest thing...She don' took a Keds shoe box out of her closet...put her brother's PSP inside the box (how you gon' give him a Christmas gift that he already has for his birthday that you ain't even buy!?!?!!?)...Then she wrote on it with a sharpie, "Ben Ben's birthday pressent in 3 days(crosses it out), Ben Ben's birthday pressent in 2 days(crosses it out), Ben Ben's birthday pressent in tomorrow! Now do yal see what i gotta deal wit!!!!! Now, yal see why i be hidin' under my bed, takin' long drives off the bridge, takin' classes that don't have nothin' to do wit my major & facebookin'...LOL!!!!!! At the end of the day, I love the kids!!!!!!!

Making Tough Appearances!

I know I'm a trash mouf! I know I cuss too much! Lord, help me! I realize the sins in me! My flesh is compelled to do what it wants to do! Uuuugh..Imma get it together! So, Nicky & I had a gig to do on Sunday, The 'Mac Dre Day' function... Now, if you really know me then, you know i'm bullshittin' yet, you'd also know that I am nuckin' futs & I believe every word of this. So, we weren't very happy with our agent about his scheduling of this event however, a payin' customer is a payin' customer & we figured we cud at least make an appearance. There was no time constraints at all which was good but we still had to go nonetheless. We haven't done many 'picnics' this year so, why the heyell not! Not to mention, Richardson Park is our park...As we make our way into the park we realize that ALL eyes are on us... I know, I know, sometimes it's very shocking for people when they see celebrities @ their functions. We're used to this, we see this all the time when new people come into the gym while we're filming..Now, what we didn't expect was the absence of the grown & sexy folks. The first person we see whom is a long time friend (i won't mention his name) who happens to look like a Suga Toof Wolf Pimp..You know who you are... No disrespect! As we begin closing in on the crowd we can see yet still, that these people are very young...We see tents & we thought for a second that we were @ the wrong venue, we thought we were @ Collin's Lake..I almost brought the bug spray outta my purse! Sheeeeeeeit! Okay, moving along...We got this...We can do this...We notice there are people using the 'porta-potty' Oh.. hell no! I wudn't give a s#@!$! If i gotta pee the volume of 3 pregnant bellies in the 3rd trimester...I'd rather take my chances in a bush around da co'na somewhere then in that nasty thing! Yuuuuuuuuuuck! Anyhoo! We sashay on past them and keep it movin'! We had already ran into a old female friend who was busy with her granddaughter but, we were finding it amazing that we still hadn't seen at least 10 people we knew by then...No such luck! Keep it movin'! By the time we got to the end of the park, the parking lot...we had only seen 3 more people..1 chick we lovededed in high school, ano chick we ain't seent since God told Noah and she looked like Halle Berry when she played Gator's girlfriend in Jungle Fever, I swear to Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd, & a loser dude! Uuuugh!? And they wonder why celebrities move out and away from their communities...I'm sorry if like it that my crosswalk signal counts down to tell me when to go! LOL!! Focus! We did end up seeing some family (don't tell nobody) and made our rounds enough to warrant our check! We said our good-byes and headed for the limo...As soon as we got in, we did damage control...We saw the paparazzi in the corner (they always catch us) getting pics of us in a somewhat compromising predicament. We outsmarted they asses tho'! Bastards...I feel like, "Leave me alone" but, it's part of the job! Anyhoo, we made an immediate phone call to our management & told him that we would not be making anymore appearances such as this, or we would definitely be firing our agent...Our manager, told us that he would see what he could do about it. We told him clearly & concisely, NO! YOU NEED TO DO THIS!!! I don't know exactly what happened but, unfortunately, it didn't go well with the agent. This muthaphucka had the au-dac-i-ty to tell us that he was "firing us for going to that engagement!" Muthaphucka! Nooooooo u didn't! No u didn't! We were booked this gig directly through our agent & he talkin' bout he gon' fire us for taking the job!!!!!!!! GTFOH! Not to mention, my RIDER (contract listing my specifications & demands) says that I have to have Coke, Bottled water, Snicker, Chocolate Bar, Waffles & Bacon & Hot Popeyes chicken! So, if i tell you we had to go to Bud's Burgers afterwards, there was only ribs & chicken...Yuck! I'm sure everyone there had a great time however people...Don't have celebrities @ your function if you're not going to adhere to the contractual agreement. As of now, our position with our agent is still pending..I hope it doesn't have to go to litigation but, we shall c...Now, if you really know me then, you're like WOW but, if you really, really know me then u know I got issues because you know that this is REALLY actually what plays in my head...is that music? O, umm I don't know but, I'm just trying share with yal how i be feelin in these situations & I know, I know...I need a check...Imma be working on that tomorrow! LOL!! Have a great day & Book us for your next function! LOL!!