I Love the Kids!

Okay, having a whole bunch of kids is my fault! I mean, it's my mama's fault for givin' me these good juices I got & my grandmama's fault for making me fertile! So, at the end of the day, if i wuda just kept my legs closed...I wudn't be in dis pre-dic-a-ment! I know yal heard me say this before but, "I don't like kids!!!" Unfortunately for me, kids seem to always like me...No matter how mean I try to be with them! My kids are no exception!! Not to mention, I am an easy target cuz their Daddy, my husband acts like he's a Mute!!! Let me tell you what they don' put me through in the past week! Let's do this in birth order! If you've been following dis blog, den you know I'm always gettin' rid of that oldest one! Now, she asked to come back home for the .....See, i don't even know which time this is i think like the 14th time or so...Anyhoo...She was to stay here over the summer & then she was off to the Air Force, right?!? Wrong! She got home, got comfortable, got some food, got a bed, had total access to an automobile & now we cain't shake that ass! So, I cudn't take it..I sat her down a month or so ago & I told her she has until Sep 1, 2009 to get da futch out! Yesterday she wanted to have another 'come to Jesus' talk with me! "Mom, I don't wanna leave!?" Me: "Aaaaaaaaaw hell nah! U gots to go!" Her: "No Mom, cuz i need to stay home because then i can make it..I think i know what i want to do wit my life & blah blah blah blah blah!" I'm thinkin' to myself, there's only a small percentage of people who actually know what it is they want to do after high school so, i'm givin' her the blow fish mouf cuz I'm thinkin' buuuuuuuuuuulllllshit! I basically tell her that she needs to talk to Mommy & Daddy and then we can see...I thought i was done wit at least one?! WTF!? Hated it! Uuuuuuuuugh! How can you evict someone that you gave birth to & love wit'out hurting their feelings...She's been such a pain in my ass but, I've always told my kids that they could stay home until they're married if they want to! Anyway, all of that is to be expected from her...Let's move on to da wunderfur middle child Ebony...Ebony's friend did her hair the other day & i asked Ebony to do my hair the next day...She did...My weave is un-be-weave-a-ble!! However(comma), apparently she dyed her hair & has seemed to have an allergic reaction...She got a few bumps on her forehead and a patchy one that look somethin' like a ring worm..Then she shows me 3 strands of hair that are missing in the front & wants me to 'touch' her scalp on da inside so i can feel the bumpy puss stuff in her head! Illlllllll! Yal know i got OCD..Cain't take it! I'm tellin' her, Ebony it looks like you've had an allergic reaction...she's like, "Mom, no feel it!! Feel it! And it hurts!" Buuuuuuuuulllllllllllshit! Next thing I know she's on the phone wit the advice nurse...Chile why did they make them phone #'s published. Any old dummie can look up the number and call! LOL!!! She comes back with the phone in her hand talkin' about, "here....here" The advice nurse about to call CPS on me cuz i'm like, ain't nothin' wrong with her..She's like, "Are her lips swollen?" I'm like, hell nah! Ebony don' told the lady that her lymph nodes are swollen but, because these kids text-talk she ain't annuciatin' the lady thought she said her LIPS were swollen! Doofus! She lifts up her weave to show me that her lymph nodes are in fact inflamed...Here's the secret folks...Ebony's lymph nodes holds her junk there for a while, it is not abnormal for her lymph nodes to be swollen..When she was a li'l girl she walked around lookin' like Frankenstein cuz her lymph nodes was on Fiya!!! LOL!!! So, needless to say, this hypochondriac was told to take some damn Benadryl! Duh! I toldjal i ain't got no degree but, i know a li'l bit about a li'l bit! How u gon' be abusin' drugs & you ain't even famous yet, Anna Nicole!? LOL!! My son, Bennie... Ahhhhhh yes! My 1 and only son (well Ebony is our other son but, she's biologically a female)....This boy is in the beginning stages of puberty! Oh Laaaaaaaaaawd!!! So, he bouncin' around at da compuuuuuuuuuterrrrrrrr doin' "the Jerk" e'ry 5 min...He on there makin' videos & postin' himself on Tha YouTube! OoooooooMG! This faux-hawk wearin', skinny jeans wearin', pullin' the front of his shirt over his head to expose his chest (that doesn't even exist), runnin' holes in my carpet, beautiful child of God is gonna make me give him the people's elbow! How you 11 and u think u need to tap into your swagger?!? Ummmm?????? Did i mention he's been counting down the days til his birthday!? Yesterday, 2 more days Mom! Today, 1 more day Mom!!? So!!! I don't give a futch! Ain't nobody buyin me nothin'!!!!! Then, there's baby girl, Leilani...Yal know this little girl makes me nervous! Yal know i come in my room and hide under my bed when they leave me home alone with her...She is certifiable! SERIOUSLY!!!!! Her tagalog has gotten much better so, i don't have as much trouble understanding her (well, only over the phone, now)...This li'l girl jus wanna get in where she fit in...I can be in the bathroom & she'll bust in like she on COPS or something! I play hide and go seek with her & if i'm it i just don't go look for her! LOL!!! She is so competitive she doesn't come out of hiding until she hungry which is about e'ry 5min..LOL!!! This is what plays in the background e'ryday..Think of Li'l Dez in the MVPuppets commercials during the NBA playoffs...Mom can i have a banana? Mom, can i have an apple? Mom can i have some grapes? Umm Mom, what's for lunch? Can i have a snack for lunch? Do u have to ask if you want some yogurt, Mom!? Ooouu Mom, what you eatin' can i have one of those square, yellow bananas (a banana now&later....LOL) Uuuuuugh! This is her latest thing...She don' took a Keds shoe box out of her closet...put her brother's PSP inside the box (how you gon' give him a Christmas gift that he already has for his birthday that you ain't even buy!?!?!!?)...Then she wrote on it with a sharpie, "Ben Ben's birthday pressent in 3 days(crosses it out), Ben Ben's birthday pressent in 2 days(crosses it out), Ben Ben's birthday pressent in tomorrow! Now do yal see what i gotta deal wit!!!!! Now, yal see why i be hidin' under my bed, takin' long drives off the bridge, takin' classes that don't have nothin' to do wit my major & facebookin'...LOL!!!!!! At the end of the day, I love the kids!!!!!!!