My desire to be Yoked

I ran across this poem today that I wrote with my husband in mind. I figured I should publish it:

Yoked

Desire is a fire that burns within me

How must I extract, this, desire to be?

I can feel it by the flirty twitch of my pelvic floor

Got me so wide open, I can't take it no more.

A passion so deep it warms my veins

Making them quiver with a daggering pain.

As I thirst for knowing what He has to show me.

I will worship hating pride

As my humility shines from the inside

No longer doubting, no more thoughts of suicide.

It is then that I realize, he planted it in me, before me.

Open your mind, your heart and you too shall see.

What is destined for you is Grand, you understand?

Take a step with me, I will take a walk with you.

The Great Recession...

Broke. Can I hold a at least a couple dollas?! Eatin' salt & pepper sammiches & refillin' water bottles? Why is NO one hiring. Or rather, why are jobs so hard to get now a days?!? What is up with our economy?? When will we see it rebound? These Ponzi schemes & portfolio fabrications of thewell-off greedy; wanted to be rich so bad, they sucked the blood out of USa... Write you off to over seas, China got USa in a sling?! My dollar worth $0.30 I cain't take it no mo'! The poor been poor, they ain't affected as much...But USa, you know, the obliterated middle class that cain't get enough tax breaks. You tellin' me I need a shelter to extend my finance, net worth, maturation & retirement. Lookin' forward to 40 cuz i know it's gon' change in a MAJOR way! Lookin' at ya kids sayin' we ain't got it no mo', they facin' adjustments and downgrades just as much as the parents. It is this profound enrichment, that will build character & teach humility and you must embrace this life skills opportunity. Ain't yo glass half full?! Mines is, I laugh all day, everyday...In between the chicken & rice & the sparkling sugar water... We have to teach them the right way. Not to live above their means, not to try and keep up with the 'Jones'' Press into the Lord and he'll guide you where you're supposed to be. In the meantime & between time, you gotta work in the factory. Kids need shoes, coats, scarves, hats, gloves...why do they lose stuff? It's okay. Rise above your circumstance and look forward to THIS day. You on loan, don't you forget it, it's even deeper than that. Too many people are a check away from homeless, what happened to the days of saving joyfully and takin' a vacay? I don't understand what it's all about, be humble I'm tellin' you...It's a very spiritual cleansing experience. It gives me the high of dopamine, it rounds the person that I am! Let 'em know that education is the key...You must go out and get it. No ONE is going to GIVE it to you. Life just existin' is no way to live. WE must overcome those obstacles in this time of broke! What's the expression? You gotta GO through something to GET to something...It makes hella sense right?! I am breathing in this Great Recession, empowering myself by educating myself in personal finance. Share with your children what comes in and what goes out...I just want to extend my portfolio capacity-NOT saying that I have an extensive portfolio, I got $13 in a vibrator box in some boots in my closet. BoooooooooYaaaaaaaaaaw! How 'bout that! LOL!!! Yeah...but No it is imperative for me & mines to stay on top of times...Get it together eeeeeeemmmmegiate-LY! Ya undadig?! I know you FEEL me! What I want ME to do is, smile in spite of. Cain't change what you have NO CONTROL over. Make it happen fo' YO'SEEEEEELF! Don't give up on your dreams, aspirations or desires in this Great Recession...Just jump on over it & enjoy what you can. Re-org the family dynamics and find better ways to enjoy eachother for free or cheap. For example, I made me & my kids a strawberry/apple parfait. I cut up the fruit & made layers with Cool-Whip. Cheap & healthy, they smiled and appreciated my efforts as well as, the time they got to spend helping me make it and how it really was GOOD to them! Keep pinchin' them pennies & save them dollas cuz for now, the Great Recession ain't goin' nowhere and the water's gettin' higher!! Housing prices are going up but, your equity still ain't...Not to mention wit'out ya job you cain't buy a thang! It might get worse before it gets better but it ALWAYS gets better. My time is up & I can't call it...I got some lint in my pockets and a quarta' in my wallet.

Generation "NEXT!"

There's been an immediate interest in OUR youth of today. They sayin' these mofo's ain't gon' EVER put nothin' in the pot for me to use when I'm OLD! Yet, ALL this technology keeps evolving or, is that just the last li'l trickle of OUR generation?!!? It's no secret...I don't like (facetious) kids! I LOVE babies! No one told me that these babies would become people!!! Here it is...I am the parent in the household who is the lenient one. My husband is the stern, consistent, disciplinarian. He NEVER lets up! He is going to let you know right away! I believe in regards to parenting styles that this is normal. We have the same core values EXCEPT he enforces them sternly. I think one should discipline with love. I am in no way saying that I always do cuz I don't!!!!! I'm AM the FLASHER ASS SNATCHER! He's consistent! I am sporadic! I wanted to share how I am strengthening myself for this next damn set of kids I don' let a nigga knock me up wit! O, Wooosaaaaaaaa! Okay, On Friday, Moody, the 17yo, goes to school, work then, asks can she go to a party. "I'll be home by 12!" she tells me. I say, sure Moody, go 'head. I went out myself that not & got home @ 1:14. I washed my face put on my pajamas, made me some waffles & got in the bed @ 1:29 & began watch tv. Around 2:08 (A 17YO, RIGHT????) I hear, the giraffe burglar! She scalin' fences & stuff tryna get in..I hear Isis barkin' tellin' on her..Don't let tell 'em I toldja, Isis is a Rottweiler & that's exactly what she look like @ the midnight hour, a big, black, vicious, guard dog! They be tryna make it right by Isis! LOL!! I didn't budge! Where's your key? Oh, hmmm you gave it to the 19yo? Oh, too bad...don't worry, we'll get to her soon. The following day, she is excited to inform me that she is going to TAKE THE KIDS (Bennie & Leilani) to Rancho Solano for trick-or-treating, this is her dream yal!!!! Cuz they got the 'good' candy! Every year, they goin' to Rancho Solano! LOL! I promptly advised her that she would NOT be takin' them anywhere! "Mom, can I get $20 (she works, I don't) tho'?" "For what, Moody? You ain't goin' nowhere?" LOL!!!! Boooyaaaaaaaaaw! Her chin hit the floor! Got that ass!!! I remained steadfast in this decision & did not look back! How you comin' in after ya mama, the party hopper?!? GTFOH! Then, here come her li'l friend...light bright minnie mouse..."It's her senior year. Don't you want her to have fun, please, it's her senior year!" "First of all light bright, this is a FAMILY discussion so, turn yo power out for I bust yo line! Second of all, Moody got like 58 more Halloweens, GTFOH! LOL! Deuces! And in the house & in her room & in her bed she was for halloween....Oh well! Here it is here...The eldest, Puddah, my favorite they say...Well not on this day! Sunday, it was her day for kitchen. She didn't wash 2 pots. I gave her the KITCHEN for that day, Monday, a major clean up day, stove, microwave, appliances, sweep & mop! I get up Tuesday am & she ain't swept & mopped da nothin'! I was like, WOW! Really?! Really?! Guess what!? Right afterschool my Yellow Bunny (Moody) comes home in a panic, snatching my keys yelling that she gotta go save da eldest! I said, what? She then goes on to tell me that da eldest RAN OUT OF GAS ON I-80. I said, "So! Nope, you ain't goin' to get her!" It was the first time I'd ever seen karma work that quickly. From morning to afternoon. So yellow bunny is callin' me all kinds of names under her breathe from inside her room wit the door closed (i know this cuz i did it to my parents too) she was HOT! I didn't care! I'm sick & tired of these children disrespecting me & not having appropriate consequences of their actions! Mommy & Daddy cain't save you for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. Do NOT bite the hand that feeds you, know which side your bread is butter on. I don't know why they don't listen! I tell them repeatedly, "Okay! You gon' need me before I need you!" So, she finds a way...guess what?? They don' towed the car in the time it took her to put gas in a can. Wow! Really!? I don't believe that!! Oh??? They said you were obstructing the on-ramp! Wow!! Bamn! Damn! Not my problem but is. You gotta now, pay to get it outta tow. Wow! ANOTHER IN CASE OF DA 'MERGENCY SITUATION!! Got funds? Nope! More & more each day. Whatchu gon' do?! Don't know...Can't tell...I said all of this to say, I am very pleased to have allowed their choices dictate their consequences, NO matter what the circumstances were. They gotta be able to fly when I boot them out the nest so...IIIIIIIIIIIIIII NEED to be consistent, loving & approachable as my children progress through their seasons in life. It hurt me when I really didn't let Moody participate on Halloween & ONLY for ONE moment did I feel like I should have let Moody help Puddah & she may have avoided the tow. The reality is, Mommy is NOT going to be here forever & I want to have instilled compassion, commitment, consistency, critical thinking & most importantly, HUMILITY in MY children! This generation 'NEXT' is headed somewhere...I just hope that, what I'm doin' over here WILL attribute to the direction WE know they CAN go! It takes a village, literally! The next time you see a 'NEXT' generation troubled youth, spend a moment with them to encourage them about THEIR endless possibilities instead of why does his pants sag? What you say may compel him to pull 'em up!

Let me preface this please. Some things you just gotta get out. Healing is the process to happiness. I will NEVER forget my daughter & she is STILL a very big part of our family. One day last year, Bennie asked me what was I going to do with Sonie's tub of clothing, toys & effects. I barked loudly to him damn near cutting him off. "I ain't doin' nothin' with her stuff! It's going to stay in there!!" I guess my tone made him understand that I wasn't ready. Everyone is different. We all process grief differently. I believe some things should be shared. I'm telling this to get it out and continue my healing>happiness growth. I am in no way sad or distraught. This has been my life for the last 10 years and I deserved to live on, to have a life to care for my other 4 children and husband. What my hope is, is that my story can help others. A young mother, a relationship/friendship. We are not promised tomorrow and should cherish our relationships. I am sharing this to pique your awareness about SIDS. I wrote this essay for English and I hope it's as vivid to you as it is to me.

Born To Die

“Sakinah, come look at this,” my husband said to me in a serious yet concerned tone. As I opened my eyes, I saw the time on my alarm clock read 6:07. “Oh shit! I said aloud, “ I overslept for work!” At the time, we had been having trouble with mice due to the unsavory OSHA standards kept by our landlord. I jumped out of bed to see my husband’s “latest catch.” As I stepped into the living room, he brought my attention to our daughter, Sonie Jane. He says, “Look, I just woke up and found her like this!?” I peered down to her and I immediately assessed that she was not breathing. The side of her face was a fuchsia color. I picker her up and she felt hollow. I sprang into action; I did not panic. “Bennie! Give her CPR!” I ran to the phone and dialed 9-1-1. The operator picked up, “My daughter is not breathing, she is 3months old, and I live at 445 Arkansas St!” CLICK! I hung up the phone, crying hysterically.

I dialed my sister Waseme, a nursing student who, lived around the corner. I screamed to my sister what was happening as best as I could and hung up on her. I then called my mother crying and screaming. I hung up with her and watched my husband perform CPR. It was then that my sister burst in the front door and I watched both of them try to give CPR to my baby. Inquisitive as I am, I could tell that for some reason, those 2, who were highly trained to perform CPR, were having trouble. Not two minutes later I could hear the fire truck and the ambulance arriving. In the chaos, my 2 older daughters and son came into the living room and they were confused and crying. My neighbor yelled to me, “Sakinah! What is wrong?” She knew that it had to be very serious. I don’t recall what I told her but I do remember her telling me to give her the kids.

The EMT’S had Sonie connected to a machine and they were working on her frantically yet methodically. As my sister and I watched from the balcony of my upstairs apartment, all I recall was cringing watching the machine as it would show a heart rate and then it would go flat. It did this over and over and over again. My mother arrived in tears and my sister said, “Come on, Boop! Let’s go meet them at the hospital!” I was reluctant to leave Bennie but my sister assured me that Derrick, her husband, would bring him. My sister drove expeditiously down Broadway St. to Kaiser-Vallejo. We hopped out of the car and I stood there, pacing, anxiously anticipating the arrival of the ambulance. As the moments passed by, I began to rationalize. I looked at my sister with despair. “Where is the ambulance?" I said to her. I continued, "The ambulance ain’t comin’ cuz….If they not comin’ it’s cuz…If they not comin’ it’s cuz the coroner is just going to come out! Waseme!” I yelled to her. She held me to calm me down and then we saw her husband, Derrick driving up with Bennie. At that moment, I felt a sliver of hope but found it eerily weird that the ambulance wasn’t close behind. They pulled up to us; my husband hopped out and said, “Honey..........Sonie passed!” I yelled in horror, crying inconsolably in my husband’s arms. Sonie was pronounced dead at 6:38am.

As we drove back to our apartment, the ambulance was still there. An EMT approached me and told me that she, Sonie, was inside the ambulance and that I could take as much time as I needed. I climbed into the ambulance sobbing. I picked Sonie up to hold her for what would be my last time, I began to reflect on my observations. The fuchsia color on the side of her face was where the blood had settled. She felt hollow because her spirit was already gone from her body. As numb as my body felt when I sat there holding my baby she just looked like she was sleeping. I glanced down and noticed the rigor mortis in her tiny little foot and its disposition was unnatural. It was a very quiet fall day, September 28, 1999. It still felt like summer that morning except it wasn’t hot but rather warm and calm. I sat there, on the side street of our apartment building, in the rear of the ambulance holding onto my daughter’s shell. Bennie’s mother arrived to see her granddaughter. In any other circumstance one would be conscious of ones time but in that situation I was completely selfish and sat there, mind racing, emotions overflowing holding onto my daughter, our daughter.

The rest of the day was somber. My sister was out running errands for the planning of Sonie’s funeral when she called me and asked me if I wanted to come down to the casket place. I was eager to oblige because at the time, what I hadn’t shared with anyone was that I had a vision the night before Sonie passed of her in a white casket with gold hardware. I immediately shrugged it off as an insane daydream. I never told anyone for months because I didn’t think anyone would believe me nor, did I want anyone to think I was crazy. So, when I walked into the casket place and they ushered us to the children’s caskets and there it was, a glossy white casket with shiny gold hardware! A chaplain came out and spoke with our family about the tragedy and provided comfort, resources and support. A detective confiscated some of my daughter’s personal effects for their routine investigation of my daughter’s death.

My daughter’s death was ruled SIDS. The worst part about a death like this is that it doesn’t provide a definitive closure. It wasn’t as if she had a terminal disease and died of complications. The way it is explained is, the child forgets to breathe. Sonie was the only child that my husband and I planned. I even did research on the Internet to find a sure way to have a girl. I went through many emotions with God. I was very angry with God. I recall saying over and over, “Why me God? Why me? Why my daughter? Why?” After many spiritual interventions, it was then that I realized why not me? I found solace and humility in knowing and believing that God chose Sonie for His purpose, not my purpose. She is the child we had, but never had and yet will have forever. It was this heart-wrenching experience in my life that taught me that we are ALL here on loan. We are literally, born to die.

Konichiwa!! I'm in Japan!

Konichiwa! I'm in Japan yal! I ain't ever think I'd come here but...this is where I'm at! As soon as my parents got word that Bennie wasn't coming, they knew they were gonna hafta come and get me! So, we boarded our plane on Labor Day for an 11 hour flight! When i arrived at SFO, I wasn't even afraid. I was soo happy to see my Mom & Dad However(comma), traveling with old people can be a challenge. She's always hungry, he's always right! Wow! This should be interesting...As soon as they step off they plane from Philly, I know there's gonna be problems. My Mom calls me panicked cuz they don't see me! Umm?? Hello, I wasn't meeting you @ your terminal, I was meeting you @ our terminal for our departure! I'm near the Gucci & Coach store and she says, well i'm walking down a long hall & we don't see you Boop! Duh!?!? Ain't nothin' but long halls in da airport! So, while they takin' forever, I decide to go to the Hot spot to get on facebook. Buuuuulllshit! Not for free, not at SFO u ain't! I packed up my laptop & went back to waiting for the 'old people' I got my food, they have their food...We need to go to currency exchange cuz they only accept Yen...I am a smarty pants. I only exchange some of my money so, that way when i ran out of Yen, I'd either A) stop shopping or B) ask Daddy! I chose the latter. LOL!!! The flight over was cool. We were on United Flight 885. I didn't feel very secure about being on a United flight, post 9-11. Once we landed, I was elated because, I was now REALLY in Japan! After we got our luggage & came out we saw my brother, Scottie. He looked the same. I mean, it was only a couple of months ago, i saw him, my Mom & Dad. After the flight we still have to take an hour & 1/2 train ride into Kyoto, Japan. WTF?!?! Okay! $35? I ain't got it! Nope! Can't pay it, won't pay it! We get to the train station & then head to our 'apartment' for the week. We settle in, and we want to eat. Eat!? Damn! I forgot I was gon' have to eat over here! Shiiiiiiiiiiit! I know it's the land of the fish & I DON'T like fish! Uuuuuugh! Shit, man! Daddy says, don't worry Sakinah, try it first. Okay okay okay...I will try it but i may not like it! First of all, I don't know what the heyell these people are saying to me...I don't know when to bow & when not to! All I know is, what is we eatin'?! We go to this restaurant (all restauants are tea houses) and we gotta take off our shoes. Take off my shoes????!!!??? Ummm?! Wait!? O..C..D..I caaaaaain't! iLLLL! Touch the floor?? I on't want to!!! My Daddy knows, he grabs me by the arm & pulls gently, "Come on, Boop! It'll be okay? You can take a shower when we get home." Shower, home?!?! Oooooooh shit! Imma miss my island! Where is my husband? Dammit! Okay...Okay...Okay...Now, i took my shoes off but, i don't know about this food? Tea House...Sittin' on the floor...Calamari, Octopus, Squid, Mackerel...What about crab, or lobster, or shrimp!? Nooooope! Now, this is how they eat...It's not like an entree where you get your protein, starch & vegetable. Noooooooope! They shovel out a bunch of plates with different cuisine & give you small portions (Asian portion). The food that also comes out is "sashimi" which is raw fish! Oh hell to the no! I am NOT eating that! So, my brother, his fiancee & my parents are eating the food...I kinda mull over a couple of things and don't really eat much of anything. Then lastly, the rice comes out! Yes, you ain't gettin' that rice wit ur food...it's for after it! They typically eat mostly sushi rice too! Sushi rice aiight but, can i get some neck bones on top of that, please?! Nope! Don't want none of that! My Mom dared to try it tho.Whatever! So, I although I ain't leave the restaurant starvin' (insert stomach touching your back, here) but it was definitely an experience. One night over & i'm happy! We swing b Scottie's apartment & I get on his "Skype" line, u know, the phone wit the Vallejo metro #? Yeayau...No one answers! The one person I knew would be up, Derrick didn't have his bluetooth on...So, i ain't speak to no one in my family! Uuuuuugh! The plan for the next day was to go to the Temples. We get up the next morning & head out to the "Temples." We ain't goin' shopping?! Uuuuugh! This gon' be a long week! My Dad already had certain places mapped out that he wanted to see. The first, the Golden Pavilion. All i can tell u is that this place was beautiful, the Pavilion is real gold (not solid all the way through), the people don't play about keeping it together...In Japan, monks (priests) volunteer at the grounds to keep them clean. It was a bit of walking and i wasn't mad, i was still thrilled that i was in Japan!! There were souvenir stores throughout the place and there was green tea ice cream... We'd been walking in the heat & I was hungry. I was sooo happy that we were going to a McDonald's!!! I have been on the McChicken mini meals so, I already know what I'm orderin'. Language Barrier (LB) she had no clue what I was trying to order. Luckily my new sister in law, and brother were able to order what i wanted. I grabbed my tray and walked up the stairs (yes, there's an upstairs everything) and sat down to eat my food. First of all, the McChicken is called a, "Chicken Filet-O!?!" and the patty is like a triangular shape, definitely different from the shape of ours! Whatev! It hit the spizzoooooooooot! We walked (barefoot) through the 'sacred' Rock Garden went to two more Temples with families that still lived on the grounds as well as some otha people up in a buildin' in a crypt. Why do I see dead people? LOL! They build around sacred places such as, graves. The shopping in Kyoto, is similar to "The Alley" in Los Angeles or, "Canal St" in New York except, it had covered streets. The last place we went to was an electronics store. I needed a jump(a USB to Ethernet adapter) for my laptop to connect. My Mom & Dad had no cell service and I thought Metro would work in Japan so, I was a little disappointed and hadn't spoke to anyone in the states since I'd arrived there almost 2 days ago. As soon as we got home I hooked it up and called home! Well, I iChatted with them. I didn't really know for sure the time of day because I get nervous sometimes when my mind has to process too many things at once. The ichat was connected and I saw all my kids! I was soooo excited and they were too. They all had a thouwow questions for me & we were all talking over eachother from excitement. After they spoke to "MumMum" & "PopPop," Bennie came to the computer and it amazes me how long Bennie and I have been friends because, as soon as we see eachother we talkin' bout sports, my realityTV shows, who's cooking and the kids. When someone knows you, they know exactly what you want to talk about! I was relieved. Soon I grasped the time difference, and was able to see the kids everyday afterschool. I slept in Japan from midnight to 5:30am and around 8am the kids would be home from school, I'd be getting ready for the day. And of course, Nicky. The following day, we went SHOPPING! We go downstairs to the Cafe & decide to have coffee & tea. Listen, when my Dad goes in, he goes ALL in! So Mommy & I order 2 coffees & he a green tea. Our coffees are brought to us on the open patio, while we people watched & talked. My Dad was a bit behind us so, his tea came later. When his tea comes out it is in a cup with a small pot (like the 4 cup coffee pots they have in a hotel room yet, not a suite), with tea leaves, tree bark & marijuana seeds (O, don't ack like u ain't never seent no seeds, LOL) As the avid coffee drinkers that we are, we order 2 more refils and he another. Because I know that between Bennie & Daddy I'm going to have a 'good' time! Before Scottie arrives, I jump to volunteer to pay the bill ;) Haha! Jokes on me! Not fault to the language barrier, that is what she said, "2400 Yen." What?! GTFOH?! $24!! Is it because I drink it for free @ home or what?! Oh well, take it on the chin. We shopped all day and took in the city. From the way that they drive on the right hand side of the car & drive on the left side of the street. I thought I would get in an accident cuz i wasn't ready. The way most restaurants are tea houses, and how you must take off your shoes & sit on an illusion that you're sitting on the floor. They actually have a sunken space under the table so it's appears as though you're sitting on the floor although you really are?! Follow that? You don't see nasty, grimey public trash receptacles. People ride everywhere on their bikes, if you smoke, you carry a portable ashtray for your butts & your ashes ;) as well as the common thread of small dogs. Since no space is wasted in Japan, they typically have a small pooch. I did however, see one big dog. Only one tho'. This place was like nowhere I'd ever been before. With all my resistance, I was secretly admiring this experience. Initially, I thought I'd be able to cover 8 FILLED days in Japan in just two posts. I now realize that it has to be 3 and possibly 4. Stay posted...

Overnight Celebrity

Okay so......many of you may not have known that we (Nicky & I) have been taping our own 'Live', streamin' on the internet, outta the youtube, ghetto studio show! Now, all my life I've known I was a superstar...Not forreal but, forreal but, not forreal!?! Did you follow that? The show is cool I mean, I don't make any lies about who I am so, it was just a matter of being comfortable behind the camera. Now, I did drama in high school & college so, performing isn't a big deal but, the show is a concept in the making so, who knows what's it's gonna look like from day to day...So far, so good...I'm jus tryna make sure you cain't see them Raley's donuts i got on! LOL!! Seriously, i am definitely changing biologically cuz i used to be able to eat annnnnnnnnythang I wanted to! Oh well, and such is life!? Dammit! It was easy to do nothin'...Noooooooope! Not anymore...So, what really needs to happen for our show is simple: We need a camera crew to follow us around & then it would be helllllllllla funnier!! Bringing it in the 'studio' e'ryday can be challenging especially when you on a camcorder! So, on Sat we had our friend follow us with this same camcorder & look @ what happened! O! yal don't know cuz Nicky's friggin' editin' ass ain't looked @ it or done nothin' wit it yet! Oh well.....I'm quite sure we will have a better show because it's all more natural cuz that's just how we are. Another thing, it's so humbling for people to mention to us that they are watching it and love it! That's great! I haven't told my Daddy yet cuz, you know, my Daddy thinks I'm still 8! I on't think he'll like all of what I may say. I told Nicky how I realized why I say the things I say. Here it is: I have ADHD, OCD & I'm somethin' like a genius! Now, yal know that geniuses are typically 'special' right? What happens is, my brain is processing so fast that mah mouf cain't keep up wit the signals...So, by the time my brain tells mah mouf to say something, my brain is already 12 sentences down the road & by the time it spits out it has already edited what it processed as, it is already too late!! Did you feel that?! It's kinda like when you send an email in Outlook & you messed up so you try to recall the email but, the person you wanted to recall it from already read it and it's too late???!!?? I do however, enjoy doing the show! I'd be lying if I said I on't wanna blow up! That wud just be insane! What I can say is this, i may not expect to 'blow up' but i definitely expect to have a lot of fun just doing the show!! I love it! I get to be myself on another platform! I don't know what would happen if i did blow up! I ain't gon lie and say that I wouldn't buy ANY fancy clothes. So, I will definitely be buying some expensive shoes (gotta keep the feet good) but, i'll have a hankering to get to Ross, Marshall's & TJMaxx! LOL!!! The down side is what I'm beginning to see already! I won't be able to be home with my family...I'm not going to be able to watch all the NFL games, NBA (Lakers) games, i won't be around to watch my family anymore? Who's gonna take care of them??? They Daddy ain't gonna know what to do like Mommy!? Can I survive as a celebrity?! I think I definitely could because it fits my personality to a T! I thrive in a fast paced, ever changing environment. I know i can pass the drug test cuz i on't want NONE of that Michael Jackson sleep so, they won't need to send me to Lindsay Lohan, Brittany Spears rehab! You know how people become famouis & then they choke! It all becomes too overwhelming for them & they fall off!? I don't think that would happen to me only because I've been through so much, I know that only the strong survive! I must say it would be a life-long dream come true, and I'll be able to take care of my entire family. It would allow me to branch off into other things I've dreamed of. And then what can they say about the teenage, single, welfare mother who made it outta a BAD relationship & made it BIG!?!?! All they could say was that I became an Overnight Celebrity!!?

Guilty Pleasure

I was invited to a co-ed Pleasure Party on Sat & decided to go. I asked Bennie if he'd like to go & to my surprise...He said ok! Maybe cuz his other guy friend wanted to go to!? Anyhoo... Typically, Bennie and I are color coordinated wherever we go! Took him a looooong time to even start going along with that but i think it was cause I said it signified unity? Go figure! I usually start with his outfit this way it'll be easier for me to dig out those same colors from my closet. So, Bennie is a man's man..He has this athletic, model build. He has no stomach (I guess not all alcoholics are affected...LOL!) and I'm trying to bring him along to the new 'look' He ain't havin' it...He says, that's (insert expletive here)!!! However, I have been able to introduce some of the 'look' into his wardrobe just not too much..Buster! How you gon' have a stylist as a wife & you don't listen to her! His friends that know what's up be like, "You stuuuupid, dude!" So, Saturday I figure, i'll have him wear some dark wash denims & a white, crisp, fitted, v-neck t-shirt! Nooooooooope! Not havin' it! I've been trying to tell him that he just need to trust me BUT-I appreciate his curtness because, that is rule #3 of "Perfecting Your Style" 3) If you ain't confident in it, then you can't get in it! Ya dig?!?! I ask him will he wear it, nooooope! Okay, moving on! My girlfriend, Bennie & his friend go to the party & they're so happy that I ain't a drinker (not like that anyways) cuz I would be our designated driver for the night! We brought a big tupperware container full of Paula Deen's "Sweet Chicken Bacon Wraps" (recipe can be found on food network), a bottle of Pinot and a bottle of Killa Tequila! We get there & there are like about 20 or so women, and ummmmm, yeah-2 guys! Bennie & his friend! I'm sure that just made them sooooooo warm & fuzzy on the inside! They all of a sudden grew into these Super Gentlemen! Now, his friend that's expected but, Bennie, ummmm nope! He ain't got that gene. So, we minglin' and eatin' and just having a good time. As time passes, people are getting lit-especially the people I brought, LOL!!! If you don't know Bennie & I, then you may not appreciate that we have a 'unique relationship.' Sometimes we make people nervous but, who cares? We are who we are...I am not INSECURE when it comes to my husband. I know that Bennie is gonna talk to the women, flirt wit the women & he may even grope a woman BUT he's gonna always bring his check home to me! LOL!!! Gold diggin' bi#*$! Now, I did tell him to stop grabbing booty's because one day he may squeeze the wrong girls butt & she yell Kobe Denver Bryant!! LOL!!! So, he usually starts in & basically, we figure out which girl is his type cause that's who's he's gonna flirt with the most, while I continually apologize for my husband's indiscretions cuz he's retarded!!! Usually, the women are offended that he is doing this in front of his wife but, then they see this smile on my face mixed with a shameful shake of the head as if to insinuate, "I cain't take him nowhere!" LOL!!!!!! So, as the evening moves forward, he's been bartendin' all them women drinks while he sneakin' a shot unda da bar o' somethin!! He's tipsy...Oh boy! He again, starts flirting wit everybody, I'm sooo sorry yal....LOL!! Everytime we go somewhere where there may be alcohol I usually provide a disclosure up front, "I'd just like to apologize in advance if my husband does anything inappropriate to you." Now, of course he ain't gon' really touch a woman (well other than the butt feel, ;) ) but, i think it's his way of escaping being a married old man!! Poor thing... So, I play along...Poor baby! LOL!! What was sooooo damn funny to me was that this was a party full of women, but black women @ that! In case yal don't know, Bennie don't like black girls!!? LOL!! You may be wondering how in the heyell did she marry him them? Well, I told Bennie that I was white...aaaaaand, he bought it!!! LOL!! Nah, I just think cuz he got me knocked up he figured he may as well marry me then?! Ya know, tryna do the right thing! LOL!! I told yal we ain't start goin' together until we got married! Bennie was NEVER my boyfriend. He went from best friend, to baby daddy to husband! LOL!!! Anyway, back to the party...There was only this one girl (light skinned, long hair) that I'm sure he liked....I just told her, "I am soo sorry but, you're my husband's type, so let me apologize to you again!" LOL!!! Meanwhile, I'm tryin' to buy me a product called Head Game cuz ya know I love head games!!! But, the chic ain't really have enough of e'rything! So, basically I'd have to order it! The party is winding down & we genuinely had a greaaaaaaaaat time!